For example, there is the first year undergraduate student, during the first couple of weeks of class. This student has an air of excitement, due to the new college experience, and yet also, an air of confusion. All of the new things surrounding this student is baffling and exhilerating all at once. I have not had this for 13 years now.

The more advanced undergrad has a fatigue about him/herself. Still, there is some hope for the future, and things are still relatively new, but this student is seasoned, and has the wisdom of multiple college years, but there is not much in the way of cynicism. This student can still change the world.

Then there are the post-college years. Graduate students have an initial sense of hope, but this is usually completely crushed by the end of their time at whatever institution he/she chooses. This is a result both of endless hours of research and lack of sleep, and also a realization that there is futility in what is done. "How does this research help anyone?" It doesn't. Still, though, while many then leave the academic world, there are plenty who realize that there is some usefulness to the work, no matter how far it may reach in the "real world."

Then there are the post-docs. This is where I fall. I'm too old to be considered one of the graduate students, but too young (academically) be one of the professors. To further confuse the situation, I also teach, which in my field is not common among post-docs. Being a temporary fixture here at the College, I'm deemed somewhat irrelevant. "He's going to leave any day now so we really don't have to worry too much about him." While this does bother me to some extent, I don't hold on to it much because many people do not let this irksome fact cause any major issues. 

The question though, is how do I portray myself? I walk through the halls with the confidence of someone who knows where he is, and what is in store for him. This is different than the undergrads, they really aren't sure what's happening. This is a good thing for them, because it allows them to enjoy their time. For the graduate students, they walk around with some confidence but also there is the fatigue and eventually the cynicism. 

I have that cynicism now, and I often feel as though it's getting worse. Or rather, it comes and goes like the tides. Some days I think that the world is my oyster, and others I remember that I do not like oysters. Overall though, I would say I am happy, and I wonder if that makes it out there for others to see. I don't think so. I feel as though I wear my cynicism on my face, and the smiling only happens internally. 

I should work on that.